The Miller Babes

When I was pregnant with Maddox, I didn't feel any fear or sadness.  We were 20 and 22 when he was conceived and completely unplanned.  When I was almost 10 weeks I had some spotting, over Memorial Day Weekend, and I freaked out.  I was so scared that I was going to lose him.  He's been the perfect son and I never knew I could love someone the way that I love him.  I was perfectly content with just him, an only child.

Faelyn was planned.  I was perfectly content with just having Maddox, but eventually, Clayton was going to want another child.  Maddox was already two and a half years old, almost three and if we were having another, I didn't want them to be so far apart.  I was, of course, very excited when I found out the I was pregnant and loved her so much.  I was also completely overwhelmed with sadness.  Sadness at the loss of my only son becoming one of two kids.  The loss of one on one time with Maddox.  The loss of "my boys", now Madd, Dad, and Faye.  She is such an amazing child.  Troubling, often, but one million percent amazing.

This time around, I've only felt terror.  Complete terror and anxiety.  Fear of everything that lies ahead.  At least up until tonight.  Faye woke up and stumbled into the living room.  I brought her to my bed to sleep for a couple hours before I came to bed.  When I was ready, I brought her to her bed, gave her a kiss and told her she was my best girl.  I've always told Maddox he's my best boy and I was thrilled to be able to tell Faye she was my best girl, but it hit me tonight that I will not have that anymore.  I will have a best boy and a best oldest girl and a best youngest girl.  Or I will have a best girl and a best oldest boy and best youngest boy.

I feel love and joy for this baby.  It took me until I was 15 weeks, though, to even feel the slightest connection.  I am constantly poking and prodding this little thing to make sure s/he is still there.  I nearly jumped on the midwife when she asked if we'd like to try to hear the baby's heartbeat.  Terrified when it took so long to find.  Then ecstatic and relieved when we heard it.

Now I can feel the baby, kicking or hiccupping, and that's exciting.  But I still feel so scared and a little bit sad.