Looking Back

I look at that very first picture and I can remember the stress and exhaustion that I felt, like it was yesterday. I remember going to the doctor's office and then to the hospital for a bilirubin check. I remember being told that he needed to spend the night at the hospital under the photo therapy lights. I remember rushing home and packing things, feeling all scrambled, scared, tired, high. I was so relieved that I was able to spend the night with him. I remember going to the hospital and sitting in that chair and Clayton sitting on the bed. I remember having my head in my hand, trying to hold it up. Trying to stay awake, trying to feel energized, trying to make sense of everything. I remember feeling so overwhelmed with everything and then all of it doubling because Clayton had to leave shortly after we got there, to go to work.

I remember Maddox's insanely high body temperature. He was bright red, hot to the touch. They had to bring in little body temperature things to make sure he was maintaining a normal temperature. I remember the machine beeping almost non-stop. They had to come in over and over again because they couldn't keep him at a good temperature.

He was so happy in there though. He was so warm and cozy. He never woke up to eat. Every 2 hours they came in the room and woke me up, took him out of his little bed, woke him up and had him eat for 15 minutes. I remember this being the day my milk came in. I was feeling pretty horrible and had to pump constantly. He was so comfy in there he didn't eat much and I was just way too full.

I wish I could do it all over again. I wish I could re-be pregnant with him, re-give birth to him, re-raise him. Not to change anything and not because I don't love and enjoy him now (he is such an awesome kid), but I feel so... so nostalgic. I don't yearn to have ANOTHER baby, I just want real life Deja Vu or something like that.